She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
