Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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