I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
