sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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