Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
