I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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