Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
my liver is dry heaving
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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