New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
