everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
