Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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