my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
