I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
