In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
