I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
