I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
