So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize