I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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