He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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