I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
