I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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