I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
