but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
