Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There r osticjed everywhere
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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