just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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