I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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