Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
