You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
