Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
