I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize