I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize