They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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