20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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