My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
