i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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