Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
