Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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