My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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