Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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