I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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