All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
