dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
