I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
