i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
