Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
