it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
