Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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