god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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