So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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