he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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