We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
