It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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