matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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