I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
