I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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