"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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