So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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