oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
