I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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